Three days ago, I posted an image to my Bluesky account. This image stated that for the meagre price of a single “Like” given to the post to which the picture was attached, I would provide my followers with One Thing I Would Change If I Was The Undisputed And Tyrannical King Of Porn. I scarcely expected the Like counter to reach double digits, but apparently the masses cry out for strong, confident, and above all REGAL guidance, because the Likes poured in so quickly that I gave up all hope of keeping up with them. I wound up topping out at fifty-three pieces of monarchical wisdom, which feels reasonably auspicious to me. That’s enough for one per week, plus one extra as a bonus. As heartening as it is to realize that I apparently have a large pool of potential subjects eager to submit themselves to my rule, social media is nothing if not ephemeral, and I decided it would be best if I collected said wisdom here for posterity. Thus, here is said wisdom (lightly edited and reorganized for greater digestibility).
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