Three days ago, I posted an image to my Bluesky account. This image stated that for the meagre price of a single “Like” given to the post to which the picture was attached, I would provide my followers with One Thing I Would Change If I Was The Undisputed And Tyrannical King Of Porn. I scarcely expected the Like counter to reach double digits, but apparently the masses cry out for strong, confident, and above all REGAL guidance, because the Likes poured in so quickly that I gave up all hope of keeping up with them. I wound up topping out at fifty-three pieces of monarchical wisdom, which feels reasonably auspicious to me. That’s enough for one per week, plus one extra as a bonus. As heartening as it is to realize that I apparently have a large pool of potential subjects eager to submit themselves to my rule, social media is nothing if not ephemeral, and I decided it would be best if I collected said wisdom here for posterity. Thus, here is said wisdom (lightly edited and reorganized for greater digestibility).

Laying Down The Law

 The laws of any kingdom are sacrosanct, flowing from the divine right of the ruler Himself. Here are those things that will be forbidden or curtailed when my reign begins, as well as any punishments for transgressions.

• No more camera-obscuring clouds of omnipresent fuckvapor unless it’s been previously-established that the characters are fucking in sub-zero temperatures.
• Effective immediately I’m banning the use of OolayTiger/Pixiewillow/et al moaning soundpacks when doing sound for porno animations for at least a calendar year. Either pay them for bespoke, record your own, or just play some royalty-free music over them.
• If you want to sniff, lick, or fuck pits you’re valid but you will also have to complete a multiple-choice test demonstrating your understanding that armpits are not, in fact, axillary vaginas.
• Speaking of anatomy, the practice of getting so horny about drawing whatever part of the body you’re personally obsessed with to the point of forgetting how to draw everything else will continue to be allowed because it’s very funny but may carry a small administrative fee if abused.
• All JAV performers will receive mandatory coaching on how to convey “sexual pleasure” using their faces and voices. I’m tired of scenes where it looks like you’re taking the worst shit of your life for 45 minutes.
• It’s fine if you want to draw piss but you have to draw piss if you want to draw piss. No more pissy cum.
• And while we’re at it, no more gloopy chunky cottage cheese cum. There will be hard limits places on load viscosity.
• If you post art of OCs that assumes the viewer has in-depth knowledge of their extensive lore, you will be fined five thousand dollars for every piece you post until you complete a longform narrative work that makes said lore comprehensible to people who are not you.
• Everyone has to become a lot more normal about foreskin. Excessive stink lines/dickcheese will be met with public floggings.
• No more step-incest. Nobody gives a shit any more, either say it with your chest or come up with a different scenario. All step-porn will be alchemically and retroactively converted to full incest. This will also apply to non-porn scenarios and, fuck it, real life step-relatives just for laughs.
• NTR scenarios are still allowed but will be met with jail time unless an explanation other than “having hypnotically good dick” is given for why your chad/fat bastard is attractive to your leading ladies. No more dudes who are just kind of annoying and full of cum.
• If you take a canonically-chubby or even just average-bodied character and draw them as slender and waifish but with balloon-sized tits and ass you’re getting horsewhipped until you learn to draw belly overhang and back rolls.
• If you played a porn game (such as my porn game) you have to leave a review. Ideally a good review that gives lots of compliments.
• Seriously though if you complain about how long an update for a porn game is taking you will be vaporized into a bazillion dipshit particles.
• People who engage in performative outrage over “NTR” in porn games where “NTR” is defined as “female characters having sex with anyone other than the male MC” will be assigned to either a wellness counsellor or a firing squad on a case-by-base basis.
• Putting Kaa from the Jungle Book into hypno/mind control porn becomes a Class 1 Felony and if you do it you get shipped to Australia. If you live in Australia you get shipped to a different, worse part of Australia.
• No more weird little hairless tiny barely-there pussies. Give that thing some CHARACTER for God’s sake. If you draw a pussy so tiny I’d have trouble running a credit card through it never mind a dick, you could face up to 15 years in prison.
• No more lactation without a recent pregnancy. Sorry but milk-as-titty-cum has gotten out of hand. Knock that broad up or keep the nips dry or else I’m repossessing your house.
• No more “MILFs” without any visible cellulite. No more “DILFs” who don’t need to shave their impossibly-pointy chins. No more “hags” without wrinkles or grey hair. If you don’t respect what words mean there’s lots of room in the labor camps.”Barely-legal” porn will continue to be allowed but only on the condition of dialog being present highlighting the fact that young, inexperienced people are almost always pretty bad and annoying to have sex with. Hey stop that. What are you doing. No, slow down. No that was wrong.
• Porn art featuring multiple filled condoms strewn all higgledy-piggledy across the composition will be classified as littering.
• Blanket ban on group sex scenarios where everyone’s fucking simultaneously the whole way through. I’m mandating staggered breaks where behind the fucking we see people taking 10-15 minutes to grab water/snacks, check their phones, chat about video essays, and so on.
• Hefty fines up to and including seizure of all livestock for porn videos that START with mellow music tracks but then the music fades out and is replaced with a single-mic echo-y recording of sexual grunting and huffing. Bring back the tunes if you aren’t gonna have dialog.
• Art thieves, genAI pushers, people who repost art without attribution, ERP accounts that annoy the artists whose work they goon to, and people who bitch about commission prices will be disappeared. No record of them having ever existed.
• Furry porn art featuring Judy Hopps is now considered an Invasive Species and bounties will be paid out for destroying it.
• I’m enacting noise ordinances on blowjobs. I’m sorry but we’ve been getting complaints. Keep the sloppy below a safe decibel threshold or appear before a judge.
• No more bringing up smells without describing them. No more “she smells so good…” or “he smells disgusting!” Does she smell like fresh-cut lilacs in a sun-soaked vase? Does he smell like seaweed rotting on a beach? Anyways if you do this I’m fucking your wife.

Dispensation Of Boons

A king must rule with an iron hand, but a king must also be generous. Here is how the throne would contribute to the enrichment of its subjects:

• Hallmark has to start making at least five Christmas-themed pornos every year. Here are a few sample titles:
  – A Second Cum For Christmas
  – A Royal’s Cumming For Christmas
  – Christmas Cum
  – Christmas Cum 2
  – A Frosty Christmas’s Cum
• This stems from a conversation I was having with @nozdraws.art: why can’t I get tittyart wall calendars from all my favorite tittyartists? Everyone has to make one.
• The practice of adding overlays that imply what’s happening is being shown on Tiktok, Snapchat, IG Live, Twitch, etc is good as hell and pieces adopting this practice will receive federal grant funding in the tens of thousands of dollars.
• I’m starting a conservation/breeding program for underrepresented animal species in furry porn. We need more aardvarks and humpback whales, fewer cats and Lisa-Frank-colored wolves.
• Marty Scorsese has to direct at least one SFM/Blender porno featuring Overwatch girl models.
• Golden Boy gets the Emmy they gave to Frasier in 1995.
• PMVs become a nationally-recognized artform worthy of archival, film festivals, etc HOWEVER grants will be provided to anyone getting different genres of music in there. Enough four-on-the-floor EDM, let’s set these things to some zydeco or free jazz.
• Girls with glasses get ten thousand dollars whether they’re in porn or not but if they’re in porn they get another ten thousand dollars.
• Certain artists will be given full copyright control over certain characters and IP as a reward for their long service. @fugtrup.bsky.social gets Mei Overwatch and Liara MassEffect. @ayytee3d.art gets Persona 5. @dieselbrain.bsky.social gets Guilty Gear.
• People who engage in apropos-of-nothing erotic roleplay in the comments of images on booru sites like Rule34 will be placed on an offworld enclosure so they can be studied.
• Increase humanities education budgets with the specific aims of giving more people psychosexual fixations on historic works. Less porn of Jujutsu Kaisen and Marvel Rivals, more of Cyrano de Bergerac and The Epic Of Gilgamesh. If anyone says anything about Fate Stay Night you will be shot.
• “Studio-level porn performer” gets reclassified as a skilled, registered profession that requires you to maintain active membership in an improv troupe. This has the dual benefits of making porn performers better at improvised banter and also diluting the stock of annoying nerds in improv.
• Porn creators with more than 10 years of service get full government pensions.
• It’s past time someone made a pocket pussy mount for the Steam Deck. A royal commission to the first of my subjects to furnish me with a prototype of such a device.

Innovation From The Crown

Heavy is the head that contains a massive brain overflowing with amazing innovations. At times, the greatest gift a king can give his subjects is a few choice words…

• If your porn features someone getting fucked while playing a video game, the person doing the fucking should start backseat-gaming. This isn’t a law so much as it is a really good idea. No, go back, you missed a chest. You need to block more. Put more points into strength. I’m going to bust.
• Hetero sex is reclassified as Monsterfucking. Monsterfucking is now Normal Sex.
• All porn set on public transit must now by law feature at least one of the following:
  – A kind person who gets up to offer the fuckers their seat, maybe gives them a thumbs-up
  – A visibly-annoyed person working on a crossword or trying to read with titties swaying inches from their face
• Millions of dollars of research funding will be allotted to research and develop INVERSE bimbofication – not REVERSE bimbofication where a bimbo gains normal intelligence, but INVERSE, wherein the recipient becomes SO intelligent that they opt to devote their life to sex and hedonism.
• Billions allotted for infrastructure upgrades and universal basic income allowing everyone to pursue wider ranges of education and leisure SPECIFICALLY for the purposes of giving porn a greater range of universally-understood settings to draw from than just High School and The Office.
• No more art trends fixating on increasingly-stupid sweaters or swimwear. The new thing is pith helmets.
• This is really more of an FDA-ingredient-classification-type thing but if you’re doing a free use scenario you have to specify what the deal is: government-mandated? Magic mind control? Weird science? Let’s straighten out the taxonomy before getting down to porking.
• We’re through with porn of Cammy and Chun-Li. From now on the Street Fighter franchise will be represented in pornography by Hakan.
• Here’s another that’s less of a Regal Decree and more of a Really Good Idea: actual-play podcast a la Critical Role except whenever players aren’t making rolls or participating in scenes they’re fucking/sucking. This is a monarch’s gift to his subjects.
• In order to remove the stigma for actors who get their start in porn, ALL actors will be required to appear in at least one pornographic movie before being allowed to act in anything else. No, elderly actors will not be exempt. Hope Michael Caine still has a load or two left in that old sack.
• Titfucking replaces handshakes.
• I realize I just keep coming up with good ideas but in a certain sense that’s why I’m the king and you aren’t: musical theatre where we see the dick going in. Wicked but the website link on the dolls is correct the first time.

The Crown Awaits

As mentioned, the response to the thread was universally positive. Yes, some knaves complained of their rights being infringed upon, and an inconsequential rabble dared raise concerns with some of my directives. But is it not the lot of a generous ruler to suffer the slings and arrows of the ignorant, that all might benefit? (It is.) Porn aches for a potent and virile ruler, and I think I have plead my case with aplomb. I await the violent overthrow of all world governments and my installation as civilization’s first-ever Emperor of Cum.

Subscribe to the RSS feed!